Soo, it's been awhile. Not that anybody reads this thing. Looking back, I can hardly take my last entries seriously... I was a bit dramatic.  Everything has changed quite a bit.  I've grown, and, well, am more educated since I left off, really. 

(We did spend a whole class talking about Barbie; the feminist critiques of her ridiculous proportions, the racial implications of her friends created through different colors in the same mold, the racial implications of her friends molded to be different, the racial implications of the black Barbie having straight, long hair, etc etc.  

I never wanted to be blonde, but I always did want blonde Barbie, until one Christmas, my dad, no doubt purposely, gave me the brunette doll, and my sister, the Asian doll.

An interesting class, and it's almost over, along with this speedy semester.)

The more I know, the more cynical I am, but that's to be expected.  Ignorance is bliss? 

On another note, I sometimes am a bit of a recluse, completely on purpose.  I know that there are people who don't socialize, but that want to and are just scared; the nights I hang back or stay in, it's because I actually want to be alone.  I don't think there's any harm in that.  Every once in awhile, I retire to my room for the day with but a cup or two of coffee and my writing, or drawing, or whatever, because I enjoy the solitude. 

Also, on another rant entirely, I think I've grown apart from my hometown.  It's nice to visit my family and some friends, but I don't think I could ever happily live there again.  Some endings are a bit too fresh anyway, and I haven't forgiven myself for the way certain friendships have turned out, although, rationally, I can't really be put at fault.  People grow apart sometimes, and that is that.

Well, I probably couldn't have written a more banal entry, I guess I've been a bit uninspired lately.  Things have really settled down since:

-I find myself in a (finally) successful and (gasp!) healthy relationship that has stayed constant- which by the way, is not the one mentioned in the previous entry, thank you very much. I don't know why I ever thought I would want to be with a man similar to Heathcliff; he's probably insane.

-My friendship with someone I thought I knew once ended.  It was the classic I was a close friend who had feelings for me once, and I couldn't keep my big mouth shut, so his girlfriend hated me forever, so that was the end of that one. (I went through a legitimate friendship breakup, it was the oddest thing..)

-I came back to school.  My friends here are a little less insane than the ones back home (not that I love them any less).

-My ex-roommate and ex-boyfriend finally stopped cheating on his girlfriend-who-was-probably-cheating-on-him with none other than yours truly.  I can't say I'm proud of that one; it might have helped if he didn't lead me to believe he wasn't with anyone... tsk tsk.  (This is dated.. I only mention it because I see it was a topic of an older entry).

so, now, I sit in my apartment. my normal boyfriend is coming over soon, and we are going to have normal conversations.  This normalcy is refreshing; I just hope that I don't find it boring anytime soon.

i must get this out. the truth. that being that he is never going to come back. he is not going to magically transform into the person that he was (or the person that i was led to believe he was). .

i was the other woman. in every awful way that the other woman takes form, minus having had the knowledge that i was. so, we were both wronged. she just doesn't know it. he is in love with her, not me. he wants to be with her, not me. to keep her, he will keep his secret, but not me. 

don't get me wrong. it is safe to say that i don't long to be with someone who would do this to me, to her.

so i pretend to be uncaring, about most anything. it makes everything a whole lot easier.

The days stretch their arms

But mine               are cold;

They grow weary as they wait

                           For you,

                 Your embrace...

      But seasons are changing,

      And where is your heart?

what i would do, if it came to the point that i had to let someone go, where forgetting was better than anything, no matter how close i was or could be to that person, was picture the two of us in a closed room. for some reason it's usually a classroom in my mind, i have no idea why. i would look at them, into their eyes, and tell them that things are different now and how much that person has changed. then the door of the room would open, and i would let them go.

the door shuts. i am alone in the room, and don't plan on letting anyone in anytime soon, so to speak.

i think that if i try shutting everyone out, stop letting people get too close, stop telling them everything that i'm feeling and about the things that hurt me, that things will be easier. i just hope that i don't get bothered by people around me that complain about nonsense. i'm just trying to be happy.